Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
