Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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