I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
