You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
