It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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