i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
