her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
