Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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