They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
