Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i've created a new STD.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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