My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
