If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm just crazy horny about you
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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