I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize