I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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