He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
