I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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