it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize