i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My vagina is officially offended.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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