My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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