Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
