so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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