just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
