I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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