I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
