I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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