True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
