i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
