Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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