I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
