Did I show you my penis last night?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
