remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
