he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
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