I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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