I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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