whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
