He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
