he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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