Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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