When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
