i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
