my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
