You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize