just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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