I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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