I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
