I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
