I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
