Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
