I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
