Four minutes until I can fart!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
