His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
