Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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