He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
