So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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