i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Screwed.edu
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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